We called the adoption social worker and we described our fears, feelings, and concerns to her. She warmly calmed our fears and described alternative methods to us concerning foster parenting. We are uncertain about older children who has been sexually or physically abused, born with AIDS, or an STD, has cancer, or another terminal illness...and we checked off NO. I was very concerned because I know we decided that we did not want an older child and we did decide upon a younger child, but we did begin to accept an older child, but when we read all the possibilities a child could have, it became so overwhelming, and so confusing that we did not know which way to check... Yes???-- No???- Maybe??? -- Considering???
We decided that we needed our social worker's advice, and we needed to hear someone who is in the field, and not friends who were giving us solid and firm advice, but, we needed to understand these behaviors and conditions of children in foster care.
We sought advice from our social worker...
The Social Worker's comments---
The social worker said the reason these children were removed from their homes is because of sexual, mental, emotional, physical abuse or neglect.
She said there is no such thing as a perfect child and when my husband begins to realize that, we can see the bigger picture and is not about raising a perfect child, because if we had our own children, there are no guarantees that this child would be perfect. ( So True!!!) So she said my husband and I need to discuss things in more detail and be upfront, up close, honest, and personal with each other, because it will take 2 people to raise these children, 2 parents who are stable and are ready at accept the responsibilty of a child together.
Foster Care/Foster-to-Adopt Concerns---
We spoke to her about foster care and she said in our state, the goal of foster care is not to place a child in the home of the foster parent nor the home of an adoptive family. The only goal is to re-connect the child with their parent(s), or other kinship, and after exhausting all of these measure, only then after all measure have been exhausted...the child will be placed for legal adoption. This does happen but not very often because our goal is if we can not place the child with his or her parents than we find the next of kin: grandparents, uncle, aunts, cousins, who are willing to take the child and are acceptable to taking to the children. She said if we become foster parents we must keep these goals in tact, and within our reason. She said if we can accept that then they really really need foster parents very very badly and they would love to for us to foster parent. BUT....she said if our main goal is to adopt...we should continue to adopt because our hearts will be broken because we can not become attached to a child who is in foster care and who is not available for adoption.
Heart <3 To Heart <3 Conversation---
She said that we need to have a deep heart to heart conversation, be serious and make a decision either we will foster-adopt ( knowing we may never adopt), straight adopt, knowing our chances are much better, but slim since adoptions are for older children and sibling groups, or we need to research an alternative method which is an agency if we are not prepared to handle a child with problems, older or sibling groups, because state adoptions are about finding a family for the child, not finding a child for the family. She was very sweet and sincere about her suggestions, comments, and it really all made sense to us. She said if we do not think we can handle children's emotional, and etc. needs in state care then state adoption is not for us and we need to consider agency adoption.
Concerns about my husband's daughter---
We expressed our concerns about my husband's daughter who has brutally said she does not want any biracial or black siblings. We know it is her mother speaking. The social worker told us we had no concerns and no problems because it is not what she wants, it is what we want and since she visits us, she does not live with us and she is not a concern to them, because she is not the adult and she will not be caring for the adoptive child or children. If we think there will be a problem with his daughter trying to hurt the adopted child or children then we need to discuss ways to keep his daughter away from the adopted child/children, or do not proceed to adopt. We know there will be no problems because my husband is firm and does not tolerate children abusing children. I am glad to know she will not do anything to hurt a sibling.
She said his daughter really should not be a problem since she does visit us and do not live with us full time and sometimes ex spouses can become very bitter. She said to no bother with them, keep our focus on what is important which is defining and considering what we want... State Adoption... or...Agency Adoption. My heart wants a state adoption, I see so many children who has needs and my heart goes out to them so dearly and so diligently... but I know my husband and I are one and we need to make a decision together that will affect and effect us both. It is not about me and it never was and it never will be about me. I want my husband and I to decide together because even though he does have children of his own, and even though the mother of the children said they do not want me in their child's life... I know this adopted child will not be mine alone...it will my husband and my child...ours, no one else, and nobody else, but his and mine...our child. I am praying that our decision is the right decision, and we feel that a year is enough to get on our feet solid and stable, and then proceed. We have a 3 bedroom house, 1 empty room.... we are waiting for God to send us a child...Just like Hannah in the bible waited, I will continue to fast and pray, and wait upon the Lord, be of good courage, and wait, like David said... on the Lord.
Comment about the Our Diary: Our Conversation w/h the Social Worker
I previously stated some things about my stepdaughter that many of you all do not understand. A lady sent me a comment that I did delete that said I was not understand my stepdaughter, but it is not like that at all. I have tried to be a good stepmother, but her mother does not want me in the picture and she does not want me in the picture because of my skin color. That said, moving on a little more... I am
nervous because my oldest step daughter does not want any adopted children or if I could have my own who are 1/2 black or all black. My husband's ex-step-father and his daughter's mother has plugged that into the child's head. I do feel sorry and bad for my stepdaughter and my husband, but my husband's family have said that things are not simple nor will they ever be with that child. That does break my heart, but his child does not live with us. I hate that things are they way they are and I wish the step kids would call me mom, but I know they don't want me to be a mom to them, it hurts!
We have decided to wait a year to adopt so that we may exhaust all of our research options of state and agency adoptions, a lot of prayer ( please keep us in your prayers! :-), and after a year, we will decide what is best for us. We do know that we truly want a younger child, a child who is biracial because we are a biracial couple, and a child who is younger, not a newborn, or an infant, a child that is 8-9 months is the least we would allow, but we are considering accepting a sibling group of 2-3 children, I believe we really want at least 2 children, a boy and a girl, or 2 boys. She said we need to make sure we are stable in our decision and within our finances, and since my husband was laid off last year, it has been hard because my job search had an upside last week, I finally had another interview which I believe it went very well, and I am waiting and praying for a call back to tell me when to start work ( be in prayer for me please!).
Sites such as Adoption voices are very calming and helpful to us but we need to research more of what the experts are saying...
If you have read any books please let us know, please comment with the title, and name of the author, and we will begin to research these books and buy them.
Thank you! :-) That is all for now!!!!!!!!! :-)
Today's Food for thought---
Be a blessing, do not wait for your blessing to come to you, be a blessing to someone who is waiting on a blessing, listen to God, and be Christ like! :-)
Have a blessed day!!!!
Peace & Blessings!!!